My Monkey Brain

I actually had a completely different post planned for tonight. One about how I didn’t use to enjoy writing, how I struggled to complete my Junior High School writing assignments and how my time at Oklahoma City University with their Writing Across the Curriculum program and the inspiring direction of Professor Marsha Keller that I finally understood the mechanics of writing and it became a tool that would serve me for years to come. That post is for another day. Because today I had yet another freak out over Eloise my 5 month old Welsh Corgi Puppy.

If you follow me on Facebook or instagram you know that over the course of the past 3 months I’ve been a very anxious mother. The first week I was so worried I would “ruin,” Eloise. She proved to be a very picky eater and then she had an episode of diarrhea, then it was a hurt back leg and now I took her for her latest round of puppy shots and then let her play with her cousin, Millie the chiaweenie mix and at the end of the afternoon she’s whimpering and refusing to move. OMG, I broke the puppy by letting her play too hard after her shots. At least that’s where my monkey brain went. How would I get her to go potty, what about our next round of puppy class that starts tomorrow night, what do I tell the dog walker, what about her scheduled day of puppy day care. SO MUCH DRAMA and all in my head. As I write this the little angel is up and walking, has gone potty, eaten dinner and tried to play with two of her friends that we met while out on our walk. Eloise is fine. However, I wonder about her mother.

In my work life I’m in control, I’m professional, I can handle a crisis, an upset family member, a surprise visit from our regulators; I can tackle the most challenging of obstacles and I do it well with out a lot of emotional drama. So why can’t I handle a 5 month old puppy? Why do I continue to let my monkey brain run out of control when it comes to Eloise?

Is it that I have learned to listen to the voices in my head, that I don’t just quiet them with booze or food or excessive spending or hours in front of the TV? Am I learning to hear the fears, the doubts, the not nice things I think about myself and deal with them? Its not easy to learn to live with yourself, but I feel like I am. Slowly but surely I feel like I am learning to face the really messy parts of my life, the parts that I have chosen to ignore for years. I finally feel like the pieces of the puzzle of my life are starting to fit together and that Eloise is here for a reason, not just because I said yes to a Facebook Mess anger notice about an impossibly, cute Pembroke Welsh Corgi Puppy. For the first time in 6 years I actually have thoughts, very serious thoughts about putting down roots in the DFW area, not an easy thing for a gypsy like me to admit too. Thanks to Eloise I find myself connecting more with my family, spending less time at work and thinking more about how I take better care of myself.

I’d love to say I have some deeper more profound thought to share with you but I don’t. I think Eloise and I found each other for a reason. I think she’s helping me learn more about myself and that at the ripe old age of 45, I know who I want to be when I grow up. I’ll say I don’t really know what the future holds for this adorable puppy and I; but for the first time in a long time I’m excited and optimistic about where I’m headed and honestly I think where I’m headed is right where I am. “The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.” Ivy Baker Priest.

About AuntJenFox

I'm a 45 year old single woman living in Dallas, TX. I'm a licensed nursing home administrator, runner, Aunt, and Mom to a Welsh Corgi puppy named Eloise and a cat named Gracie. My life is anything but boring and I learn something new everyday.
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